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What's Eating You?

Mary was 36 years old and 63 pounds overweight. Like most of us weight-challenged people she had tried dozens of diets with no success. She was convinced that she was a tough case who would be probably impossible to help.

Mary’s problem is obvious. She thought that she was beyond hope and she was amazed that I thought her difficulty was so easy to identify. She was blind to it simply because it was such a regular part of her everyday behavior.

Mary was terrified of her feelings. Her fear of feeling was the major cause of her weight gain.

More about Mary...

Mary's mother died the year before, she was divorced 2 years before and had just found a lump in her breast. Mary describes these three upsetting events without a frown or tear. I knew immediately that she was afraid of her feelings and that she had learned long ago to hide them from others and from herself.

Mary’s problem is not unique. Many of us are fearful of our feelings and we eat to deaden them. Most of us are capable of experiencing some of our emotions and are not as emotionally flat as Mary but we often have certain feelings that we will do anything to avoid. When they appear, we become Mary’s twin. We quickly and unconsciously feed ourselves to hide from the terror of the “bad” feelings.

Many people cannot understand why they make such progress with a diet and then all of a sudden find themselves eating out of control. They have no idea about the cause of this unwanted behavior and no awareness that it may be due to fear of feeling.

If you have read this far, maybe you're asking yourself if you have a fear of feeling. That is an excellent question that could lead you to a very productive bit of self-exploration. Let me help you with a few of my own questions. See where your answers take you.

What were the feelings your parents expressed most often? Did you experience these feelings as positive or negative? Did you become afraid when these emotions emerged in your parents?
How good are you at noticing, expressing and/or being with your feelings? Can you identify what you are feeling right at this moment?
Are there any feelings that you seem to never have? What feelings do other people have that you almost never experience?
Are you aware of being afraid of any specific feelings like anger, sadness, sexuality, hurt, love, joy or enthusiasm?
Can you imagine yourself being a person who has access to every feeling there is?
Do you ever think that certain feelings are crazy or sick?
Have you ever been aware of eating to "kill" a feeling?
What feelings cause you to overeat most frequently?

This is a good beginning list that will introduce you to useful information about yourself and your feeling agendas. If you are a person who is afraid of feeling, you will want to explore this list with a great deal of commitment. It will be a goldmine of productive self-exploration. Then you will need to work daily at noticing your emotional experience and learning to appropriately express what you are feeling.

Remember, we overeat for good reasons. There are always meaningful causes behind our food compulsions. You may not know what they are at first but you can always discover them with a bit of inner work. The payoffs are enormous and will usually include weight loss.

Now return to the question list above and go to work!

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